Lessons Learned from Friends

Sometimes I wonder if my family and I would have moved in with Mom and Dad to help out had we not met some wonderful friends during seminary.

During my seminary time at Meadville Lombard Theological School, our many friends graciously helped us take care of our son. In our first few days there, we accidentally parked in a tow zone, as we were not used to street parking, and our car was towed. Our new neighbors Michael & Cara took Jeffrey in, gave him dinner and got him to bed on time while we drove all over trying to find the tow lot and get our car back.

I had never experienced community like that before. Voluntary care for other people.

This week, we are in North Carolina for the Unitarian Universalist Association General Assembly (GA) 2011. It is the annual week long conference for our denomination. Jeff and I are both involved in church life, so for us to be able to attend GA, we need someone to care for our son because he can't stay back home with anyone.

Our friends, Rev. David Pyle and his wife Sandy, lived in the apartment above ours in seminary. Since that time, they have always helped us through their friendship, advice, and care for Jeffrey. At GA Sandy spends all week with Jeffrey while Jeff and I attend GA, often from 9am to 12am each day.

Sandy helps us in this way out of the pure love of her heart. She knows what community means and that we can't raise our son on our own; sometimes we all need help. Jeffrey loves his time with Sandy, "because she is just fun," he says. They read books, play games, swim, and make things out of Duct Tape like a race car and track.

I do not think there are words to express what her care for Jeffrey means to us. It is hard to describe how transformative it is to have another person, of their own choice, help you so you can follow your call in life. So you can be happy and whole.

It is that example, of true community, which led Jeff and I to live with Mom and Dad. We could have just moved close by, but we saw how such an extreme act of caregiving can change lives for the better. People can choose to help one another in radical ways.

Jeffrey feels respected and loved when Sandy takes care of him because she does it voluntarily. It is a big deal for a child to have an adult who just likes to spend time with them, seeing their inherent worth and dignity. Too often, adults care for kids out of a sense of requirement.

One could say my family and I are living with my parents out of a sense of requirement, as often happens with children and parents. But that is not so. We chose this because we love them, and also because we learned that taking care of others spreads joy and is a great way to spend your life. We wanted to continue the gift that has been so graciously given to us by our friends.

Our American society often does not encourage us to help one another. People continually ask why my husband, who is "just an in-law" would help my parents.

Our friends have shown us that family is what you make it, it is not weird to help others, and it is not a sign of weakness to need help.

Thank you to all our friends who showed us a different way of life.

May we all find friends and family who care for us, and may we pass that gift of caring on to others.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Thankful for Community

I was out of town for a few days this weekend for the ordination and installation of one of my good friends from seminary. Being with many of my classmates who I had not seen in a group since graduation in May reminded me of the wonderful power healthy community can have in our lives. I realized I would not be where I am today, living with my parents, if it had not been for the community example of my classmates and the example from many Unitarian Universalist churches I have been in contact with over the years.

Six years ago, when we joined our first and current Unitarian Universalist church, West Shore UU Church, was the first time I learned about real community. It was there where I was lifted up and in many ways healed by a community who accepted me just as I am.

Then four years ago, my husband, son and I moved to Chicago for my seminary education. It was with a two and a half year old son, no keys to our new apartment, and a broken down moving truck that, we met Michael and Cara. Just in the midst of having no food and a tired child, Michael came walking into the backyard with his two little boys around Jeffrey's age. They invited us into their apartment. We played and laughed and when Cara got home from work we all had a dinner of mac and cheese, grapes and peas. It was one of the best dinners I can remember.

From then on I learned what community means and I was reminded of it once again this weekend. This weekend I was on traveling alone with my son and yet I was not truly alone. Much of the weekend was spent in choir rehearsals, which would be hard to attend with a child. However, friends of Michael and Cara, who I had just met, and our seminary peers took care of Jeffrey and the two boys. They played with them, drove them from church and back. Carried three car seats, three kids, and various item the kids had brought with them.

Complete strangers, to us, from Michael’s new wonderful congregation provided home hospitality to those of us who had traveled in for the occasion. At the lovely home we stayed in Jeffrey got to eat fresh eggs, see chickens, pick strawberries and carrots, and take a boat ride in a pond. He learned about plants and animals he was unfamiliar with.

It was the example of my friends and the many Unitarian Universalist churches I have been to, which has allowed me to come back and live with my parents. These people taught me that if we can love people just as they are, then we can live in close community together.

Healthy community does not mean a group of people who always get along and are always happy. It means a group of people who have made a covenant (a promise) to support and care for each other. It will not always be easy, you may not always get along, but you keep coming back to the relationship. When things don’t go well, you talk about it face to face. You give in, you compromise, you agree, you disagree. We speak the sometimes hard truth to one another. We celebrate each other’s joys, comfort each other’s sorrows, and speak honestly about our failures. A community does all of those things in respect and love. A community comes back to it’s covenant when it fails and it remakes the promise to each other.

In our house, we have fun, we respect and care for each other, and we mess up. Without my experiences with people who embody this ideal of healthy community, I never would have thought Mom, Dad, Jeff, Jeffrey and I could live together. Other people showing me that I am loved and cared for just as I am enabled me to live out some of my highest values, those of caring for our loved ones. Ever since I was little I had a vision of a world like this, where people helped each other in this way, but I never thought it was possible. These communities I have been with in the past six years have made that dream a reality.

It is with gratitude and joy that I recall that first day in Chicago with Michael and Cara. From their example, and the example of many others, I learned what true community means and now I am able to live that dream with my parents and the larger community of which we are a part.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

"My Grandma"

My son Jeffrey and I were at the zoo yesterday. One of the docents (volunteers) at the zoo had a snake to show the kids and Jeffrey went right up to talk to her. As he was petting the snake, he said “My grandma used to volunteer here and she used to work with the snakes too.”

I could have cried when I heard him say that. I know it seems like such a small thing, but to me it was a big deal. It showed just how much Jeffrey knows about Mom because he lives with her every day. I also heard in his voice that he was quite proud of his grandma who used to handle a snake at the zoo.

By living with Mom and Dad, Jeffrey really gets to know who they are. He hears random stories about them from when they were little. A few days ago at school Jeffrey told me he had some bubblegum for Papa (my dad) and he started laughing. He was joking that he was going to pick some tar off of the playground because my dad had told him a story about how during World War II, when there was no bubble gum, Dad used to chew tar instead.

In many Unitarian Universalist child dedications, we say we give children roots and wings. The roots are their family background, tradition, where they come from; and the wings are the encouragement and acceptance that set the child free to be their own person.

I feel like Jeffrey living with his grandparents helps him know and understand those roots in a very different way. The roots really are a part of his life, he is proud of his grandparents, thinks they are fun, and he loves to hear stories about them. He also knows more about me and his aunts and uncles because Mom and Dad can tell him stories about us that even we don’t remember. He gets to hear what we were like when we were kids and the funny things we did. Jeffrey feels a connection to something larger than himself since he knows these roots so well. He will comment on things he does or traits he has and say, “I think I got that from Mommy” or someone else in the family.

The gifts Mom and Dad give Jeffrey just by living with him and sharing who they are with him are priceless.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

Wearing Symbols to Share Our Stories

Photo by Jeff Norris

I have preached quite a bit in our Unitarian Universalist churches about how important I believe wearing symbols of our faith is in our lives. When we wear symbols we are showing other people what is important to us and telling them a little bit about who we are. We are also giving each other an invitation to share our stories and be in community with each other.

Many different groups and causes such as breast cancer, the Livestrong foundation, and autism, have rubber bracelets which people wear to raise awareness about their cause. The Alzheimer’s Association is no different and I have come to realize over the last year just how important those rubber bracelets and other symbols can be.

We have noticed people wearing shirts from the Alzheimer’s Association, or the purple Alzheimer’s Association bracelets throughout the year. This has been a wonderful way for us to make connections with other people dealing with some of the same things we are dealing with. This has allowed us to be supportive of each other and hear each other’s stories.

Wearing these symbols tells each other that it is alright to talk about this illness, no one needs to be alone. It tells us that there are other people who will support and care for us. It shows others a little bit about who we are, without us having to say anything. The symbol says, “Alzheimer’s disease affects my life.” 

Whenever I see these symbols, I am reminded of the benediction by my colleague Rev. Wayne Arnason:

“Take courage friends.
The way is often hard, the path is never clear,
and the stakes are very high.
Take courage.
For deep down, there is another truth:
you are not alone.”
- Unitarian Universalist Hymnal: Singing the Living Tradition, #698

By wearing these symbols, may we continue to raise awareness and create a community of support and care. I look forward to sharing our stories with each other.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie