Multigenerational Storytelling: TimeSlips

We had another TimeSlips session today and we just had one couple able to attend. My sister helped me facilitate since my Dad is out of town. The dynamic is different with one couple, but they were wonderful and very willing to participate anyway. We had a great time socializing afterward.

One of the things that was really interesting to me today though was that we had a seven year old in the mix, my son Jeffrey. First Jeffrey helped me pick out the photos we would use and he thought of some starter questions for each photo. I was surprised by how engaged he was in the planning process. This made him excited to then go to the TimeSlips program. (It did help that one of the photos we used was of him from a few years back.)

At TimeSlips, he wanted to help facilitate, so he asked some of the questions, and he also contributed to the story. I was a bit worried that he did like to answer every question, but the couple was very nice about having him participate.

After we finished the storytelling and we were chatting, Jeffrey was playing a game on the iPad. I suggested that he show it to one of our participants, and Jeffrey, who is usually very shy, was quite engaged in showing how his game worked and our kind couple talked to him about what he was doing. It was a pretty simple game and that got us all to talking about the possibility of games on the iPad being accessible to people with dementia, even though maybe they need a caregiver to assist them. Just as Jeffrey was showing what part of the screen to press to make the game work today.

What I loved the best was seeing Jeffrey and the person with dementia laughing at the animal on the screen and really communicating in their own quiet way. I hope our new friend liked the experience as much as Jeffrey did.

Jeffrey said he had a really good time today. This was encouraging to me because he sees so much of the day to day caregiving that sometimes I worry he forgets we can have fun with people who are older than us. I was also heartened because usually Jeffrey won't talk to people and hides from them, but this storytelling brought him out of his shell and got him participating in a larger community.

The other thing that was quite interesting today was how talkative our participant with dementia was during the storytelling, but afterward when we were chatting and asking him about his grand kids, he could not participate. He was often unable remember names, ages, or what the kids were doing. He is a very smart and creative person, so alive during the storytelling, but much more apprehensive later when the conversation relied on memory.

Today again reiterated the power of this storytelling process, and showed me how this might work in a multigenerational setting.

Here is one of our stories from today (This is actually a photo of Jeffrey from when he was little):

 
 "The little boy's name is Jeffrey. He's talking to me. He's going somewhere alright. He's asking me for directions.

He's coming from the store. It is the fall-a kind of cold day. He's got some candy behind him. He's two years old. He's not 21. 

He's wearing flannel pants. It looks like pajamas. His mother took him to the store. He is sitting on the bike. He got to the store on the bike, and he is pulling something. It looks like a wagon.

There is a leaf blower in the basket. He's going home to help dad blow leaves and eat the candy."

The End.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie

What Could Be Better?

One of the best things about living in a multigenerational household is the everyday, yet special interactions my son gets to have with his grandparents. There clearly is a role they play in his formation that is a role neither my husband or I can fill. Sometimes the things that one of my parents is able to do with Jeffrey that Jeff and I are not particularly good at seem simple, but they are very important to Jeffrey.

For example, my son loves football. Now, in high school, I went to every high school football game for St. Edward’s so one would think that I would at least know something about football, or like the sport. However, I never actually paid attention to what happened in a game. I was in the Flag Corps and so I spent each game hanging around  with my friends and performing at half time. My husband and I take our son to football games, but we would be happy leaving after the half time show, while Jeffrey wants to stay for the whole game. He watches attentively, jumps up and down in excitement, and talks about what is going on in the game.

This past Sunday morning Jeffrey came up to me and said “Papa and I are going to watch the Brown’s game together today, so we need to be home from church by 1:00.” 

Papa & Jeffrey watching the game.

We got home from church, Dad made some popcorn and as Jeffrey snuggled up with Dad on the couch, I heard him say “What could be better than popcorn and a football game?”

They sat there most of the afternoon together and watched the game, they talked about football strategy, and Dad even taught Jeffrey a meditative art practice that he loves to do now.

Our kids have their own personality, their own interests and talents, which sometimes are not things that we as their parents like or are any good at. While we try to do these things with our kids because we know they love it, they just don’t feel the excitement and interest from us as they do from someone else who likes the same thing. It was a blessing and a gift Dad gave Jeffrey by sharing special time with him, and encouraging his love for something important to him. It was also a gift to us as parents who wish we could be the perfect parents but know there are some roles we can not fill for Jeffrey. I believe a child is happier and better able to follow their dreams if they have different mentors and guides in their life who can teach them new things and support them in what they love.

Both Mom and Dad support Jeffrey in what he cares about and they bring new things into his life that we never thought of. If we did not live in the same house, things like this would not happen. Even if we lived down the street, I do not think my parents would know Jeffrey enough to be able to interact with him in this way. Last year in school, Jeffrey drew a picture of his family. He drew all five of us, Beep (what the kids call my mom), Papa, Jeffrey, Mommy & Daddy. I am glad this is the way he sees his family.

When Are You Moving Out?

Probably at least once a month someone asks my husband and/or me if we are moving. When are we going to get a house? A year ago when we told people that we were going to move in with my parents, many people either thought we had serious money problems or we were just plain crazy.

I know what we are doing is counter-cultural for many Americans. We have voluntarily chosen to move in with my parents, because we want to live together. We don’t need to do it for financial or child-care reasons. My parents are both vocal about the fact that this is our house now, as a family. We pay rent, like we paid our mortgage.

So, why did we chose to do this? I chose to do this because dealing with this illness is not something Mom and Dad should have to do alone. My husband and I were fortunate enough to have the option of moving and helping with Mom’s care, and we wanted to use the blessings we have in life to their fullest capacity. And frankly, I did it because I thought if I die tomorrow, I would regret that I did not spend more time with Mom and Dad and help them. I am their daughter, Mom and Dad cared for me, and I want to do the same for them. We also wanted our son to know his grandparents and know what it is like to live in a multigenerational community.

It is even more surprising to people that my husband actually enjoys and wants to be living in his in-law’s house. So, why does he do it? I will let him tell you:

“It is a way of showing that I love my in-laws. By being with them even when it is not a fun dinner or special occasion, it shows that I love them in a very real way. Like most people, we say that family is important, but we want our actions to actually match our words. We want Mom to spend as much of her life as possible living at home with family around her. I know that Dad can’t care for Mom alone. He needs emotional support and he needs the time to take care of himself. By being here we can make sure he has that time.”

Living together in this way requires a different kind of relationship, a real relationship. It means that we communicate and talk to each other. We have to tell each other what is working and what is not or we will all be miserable. For this kind of community living to work, we have to be honest and vulnerable and that is not always easy. Our relationship is about constantly re-committing to each other. We realize that we can’t make it work all at once, we have to go back and make it work over and over again.

Living in this house also means we have a lot of fun. We laugh all the time. Mom and I watch murder mysteries together. Dad, Jeff, Jeffrey and I bike together, often with friends. Mom and Jeffrey try to scare each other all day (it’s an on-going joke with them). We make spaghetti tacos for dinner, we burn pizza and the fire trucks arrive.

So, we won’t move out unless Mom and Dad ask us to, or somehow this living arrangement becomes a safety issue, particularly for our son.

Living together is fun, sad, frustrating, scary, boring, exciting, exhausting, supportive, caring, and loving. It is just life, in all of it’s ups and downs. We are just choosing not to live it alone.

Blessings,

Rev. Katie